Lacking depth perception, i am not only a terrible badmitton player but also the world’s worst driver. Because of this, I have never had an attachment to cars.  Flatbush’ers, on the other hand, take their automobiles very seriously. There are strict community regulations all car owners must follow.

Below is an (un)official copy of Flatbush Automotive Law:

1. Automobile Protection
“The Club” is the main way of protecting against car theft. Apparenty this device works best on cars with little to no monetary value because the less the car is worth, the more likely “the club” can be found on the steering wheel.

Luxury cars, which line the curbs outside laundromats, barber shops and jamaicaan restaurants, do not need any theft protection. For some reason,they can be left with doors unlocked,windows down and music blaring and no one will lay a finger on the vehicle.

Beanie baby theft is a budding concern for Flatbush car owners and local officials are working to stop looters from snatching the plush bears, ducks and dogs that decorate back seat windows. (refer to car accessories)

2. Driving Protocol
When operating a motor vehicle drivers must adhere to a distinct code of conduct. Sunglasses must always be worn by at least 2/3 of passengers in the vehicle. Music must always be playing at the highest decibel at all times of the day or night. If you are unsure what is acceptable music, resort to playing “Ms. New Booty” on repeat.

Backseat passengers also have specific roles in the driving experience. First, there must be more than 3 people in the back seat. It is imperative they keep the windows down and yell at least one comment, greeting or phone number to everyone that walks by. If the passenger happens to know someone on the sidewalk, the car must continue driving and the passenger should scream the conversation out the window until he/she is out of sight.

3. Car Accessories/Detailing
Last but not least is the matter of car decor. Every car must have a signature touch to make it stand out from other cars. Popular decorations include dried flowers circa 1985, extra-large flags, seat pillows and of course, stuffed animals. It is recommended that car owners remove all stuffed animals from their childrens’ rooms and put them on the dashboard.

Car exteriors also deserve special attention.  Windows must be completely black.  Not tinted; BLACK .  No one should EVER be able to see into the car…except for the 23 hours of the day when windows are rolled down.  Decals and license plates are also held in high esteem.  Identifying phrases and titles really add personality to the car.  For example, that blue jetta hatchback would just be your run-of-the-mill car without neon yellow “ISLAND BOI” decals slapped on all door panels and bumpers.  And how would anyone know you loved Betty Boop so much if you didn’t have a Betty Boop license plate frame, bobble head and fur steering wheel cover?  It’s all about making a personal statement.






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2 responses to “Cars

  1. Kristin Kolat

    bahahaha sorry im not sorry for being your biggest fan. I wanna roam flatbush with you (obviously in broad daylight)

  2. Sorry I published it only half done last week! Much better now 🙂 p.s. keep the comments coming!

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